Post 98- Family Guy Script FINALE

INT. MRS. BILLIARD’S CLASSROOM – DAY Same as before MRS. BILLIARD Take your seat, Stewie. Good. Now, class. Today we are going to learn several qualities (says ‘qualities’ slow) that good boys and girls should have. She plays movie. Shows two children: Joe and Jane. They are playing with blocks JOE Give me the red block. JANE No. Give me the blue block. JOE No. Give me the red block. JANE No. Give me the blue block. JOE No. Give me the red block. Jane throws punch, and Joe pushes Jane onto the ground. Both start crying hysterically. Mrs. Billiard turns off the T.V. MRS. BILLIARD See children? Sharing is one of the most important (slow) ‘qualities’ that a person can have. Stewie claps twice. MRS. BILLIARD Why, Stewie (flattered). You don’t have to applaud me. STEWIE Oh no, Mrs. Billiard. It’s not you. It’s just that I hooked up my friend, Death, to a clapper. Death enters. DEATH You rang, sir? (annoyed) STEWIE I just love that. (he points to Mrs. Billiard) You know what to do, Death, my loyal servant. (he smiles) That sounds so good! Death grabs Mrs. Billiard and drags her out of the room. She screams the entire way. STEWIE Oh, for the love of me, get her to shut up. (gestures to Jordan for him to leave) Follow them! JORDAN Right away, sir. (exits) Stewie exits his desk, and walks to the front of the room, climbing on top of the teacher’s desk. STEWIE Now, classmates. Since our teacher shall be going now, I shall take over the class for a few moments. We shall begin with a few simple items. Repeat after me: “Stewie Griffin is my emperor, and I shall follow him forever. Even to the death, which will positively happen at the enjoyment and amusement of my leader, Stewie Griffin, the bravest leader in all school!” BILLY (demanding) What did you do with Mrs. Billiard? STEWIE Don’t worry, my dear friend. She is being (maniacal look enters his eyes) well taken care of. INT. BASEMENT OF SCHOOL – DAY Mrs. Billiard sits in chair, strapped in. Death sits next to her with a spoon full of baby food, forcing it in her mouth. Jordan holds a tape recorder which plays with an obviously edited together message from Stewie. STEWIE (ON TAPE) (madly) How do you like it, now? (break) Bwaha! (break) Enjoy! (break) Having fun yet! (repeats) INT. MRS. BILLIARD’S CLASSROOM – DAY Same as before. STEWIE Let’s see what Mrs. Billiard would have had us watch to numb us of intelligence. Stewie plays movie. Joe and Jane playing near pool. JOE This is fun! Jane pushes Joe into pool. Jane laughs. JOE I’m drowning! I’m drowning! Movie shows Joe lying on concrete by pool. His tongue hangs out. Jane is put in jail car. Stewie turns off movie. STEWIE What kind of mind-boggling violence is this? I love it! Stewie brings out a notepad and a pencil. Takes notes from movie. STEWIE (to self) Memo to self: Find the actress who plays Jane. I can use her… (searches for word) talents. (to class) Now, class, let us take a look at the Stewie Griffin Dictionary for All Things Imperial… Principal enters room. PRINCIPAL Where is Mrs. … oh… Stewie. My Lord. (kneels. Stewie pats him) STEWIE Get up. Get up. PRINCIPAL You’re too kind sir. Too kind. STEWIE I know. PRINCIPAL Where is that wretched woman? STEWIE She ran out of the room, my good scholastic leader. BILLY No she didn’t. You… Stewie shoots Billy with his laser gun, hiding it behind his back from the principal. PRINCIPAL Well, I’ll find her later. But what shall we do now? We can’t just leave all of you children here. STEWIE How about we go get a good, stiff drink at my personal bar? PRINCIPAL Why, thank you, my Lord. I would be honored. STEWIE Yes, and then we can talk about this teacher situation. I was thinking about having my own class. PRINCIPAL Good idea, Oh lord. STEWIE I know. The Principal’s face suddenly turns into Lois’s. LOIS Stewie? Stewie? STEWIE No! She’s found me! He shoots the principal with the ray gun, and begins running down the hall. The roof comes off the school, and Lois, a giant, grabs Stewie. She starts to walk away. STEWIE No! No! No! In the aftermath, we see Chris standing, staring after his mother. CHRIS (nervously) Mom? INT. STEWIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Stewie sleeps in crib. Lois stands next to him, trying to grab him, but he wiggles out of her grip. LOIS Wake up, Stewie STEWIE No! No! No! (punches at air) No! (wakes, and screams at sight of mother, then sighs, hyperventilating) Mother! I just had the worst dream! Hold me! (hugs mother, then suddenly stops) Wait… what am I doing? Filthy brainwashing! (Lois leaves) I’ll get you for this mother! INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Meg comes down the stairs. Stewie, Chris, and Peter sit watching Sesame Street. PETER What is this crap? (turns channel to violence) So how’d you sleep, Meg? MEG Alright, I guess. (speaks fast) I dreamed that everyone from school was being lowered into the pit of Hell and they were all pleading for their lives, but I wouldn’t help them… EXT. HELL – UNKNOWN A cage is being lowered being lowered into the pit of Hell, a.k.a. a small pool of fire. Many faces peer out of it toward Meg, standing nearby, looking onward with ecstatic anticipation. EVERYONE Help us, Meg! Please! MEG Sorry, Jessica. I don’t help freaks like you. She sits, and watches as fire engulfs the cage. INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Same as before. PETER Oh… OK. Well… That’s just really weird, there Meg. What about you, Stewie? STEWIE (nervously) What? Oh? Yes… I dreamed of… um… peace. Yes, peace. (laughs nervously) PETER That’s nice. We get a close up of Stewie’s face. He slowly grins maniacally. EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY – (TAG SCENE) Meg walks onto school property, but the entire school is empty. MEG Where is everyone? INT. HELL – TIME IRRELEVANT Everyone from Meg’s sits in Hell. One particular person is conversing with Satan. PERSON So? SATAN What? PERSON So? SATAN What? PERSON So? SATAN Oh, in the name of… Die! Satan lowers his pitchfork, aiming it at the person, and shoots flames at him. The person burns. PERSON Ah!! Ah!!! Ah!! Hey, this is kinda fun! Ladida! Ladida! End