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Canterbury flexed their national provincial championship rugby muscles in scoring seven tries to beat North Harbour 44-22 in Christchurch tonight.
The two-time defending champions struggled to find their rhythm through the first two rounds but moved up a gear in a lop-sided match which finished with a scoreline that flattered the visitors.
North Harbour scored the first try and crossed twice late in the piece but between times played second fiddle against a Canterbury side who enjoyed a decent edge at the set piece and the more dangerous running backs.
One of them was centre Robbie Fruean, who snared a halfback, including Canterbury's bonus point try with more than half an hour remaining.
Fruean and highly-skilled lock Isaac Ross were the pick of a Canterbury side operating at a level above Harbour, who lacked cohesion and ambition for long periods.
The visitors scored the opening try through first five-eighth Michael Harris and crossed late via centre Jack Tarrant and wing Josh York but then proceeded to concede two tries in the last three minutes -- to Fruean and Ross.
Both teams were coming off one-point wins but Canterbury, who started the round in fourth place enjoyed a far more effective kicking game than 11th-placed Harbour, based around the extra possession won by their pack.
Harbour first five-eighth Michael Harris had his team 10-3 after 12 minutes courtesy of a try, conversion and penalty.
However, the hosts warmed to their task and the tries followed through winger Sam Monaghan, flanker Matt Todd and Fruean before halftime -- many created by the incisive playmaking of Colin Slade and Stephen Brett.
Young winger Telusa Veainu continued the rout after the break before the late glut of tries were sparked by Fruean. | ||
| INT. MRS. BILLIARD’S CLASSROOM – DAY Same as before
MRS. BILLIARD Take your seat, Stewie. Good. Now, class. Today we are going to learn several qualities (says ‘qualities’ slow) that good boys and girls should have.
She plays movie. Shows two children: Joe and Jane. They are playing with blocks JOE Give me the red block. JANE No. Give me the blue block. JOE No. Give me the red block. JANE No. Give me the blue block. JOE No. Give me the red block.
Jane throws punch, and Joe pushes Jane onto the ground. Both start crying hysterically. Mrs. Billiard turns off the T.V. MRS. BILLIARD See children? Sharing is one of the most important (slow) ‘qualities’ that a person can have. Stewie claps twice. MRS. BILLIARD Why, Stewie (flattered). You don’t have to applaud me. STEWIE Oh no, Mrs. Billiard. It’s not you. It’s just that I hooked up my friend, Death, to a clapper.
Death enters. DEATH You rang, sir? (annoyed) STEWIE I just love that. (he points to Mrs. Billiard) You know what to do, Death, my loyal servant. (he smiles) That sounds so good!
Death grabs Mrs. Billiard and drags her out of the room. She screams the entire way. STEWIE Oh, for the love of me, get her to shut up. (gestures to Jordan for him to leave) Follow them! JORDAN Right away, sir. (exits)
Stewie exits his desk, and walks to the front of the room, climbing on top of the teacher’s desk. STEWIE Now, classmates. Since our teacher shall be going now, I shall take over the class for a few moments. We shall begin with a few simple items. Repeat after me: “Stewie Griffin is my emperor, and I shall follow him forever. Even to the death, which will positively happen at the enjoyment and amusement of my leader, Stewie Griffin, the bravest leader in all school!” BILLY (demanding) What did you do with Mrs. Billiard? STEWIE Don’t worry, my dear friend. She is being (maniacal look enters his eyes) well taken care of.
INT. BASEMENT OF SCHOOL – DAY Mrs. Billiard sits in chair, strapped in. Death sits next to her with a spoon full of baby food, forcing it in her mouth. Jordan holds a tape recorder which plays with an obviously edited together message from Stewie. STEWIE (ON TAPE) (madly) How do you like it, now? (break) Bwaha! (break) Enjoy! (break) Having fun yet! (repeats)
INT. MRS. BILLIARD’S CLASSROOM – DAY Same as before. STEWIE Let’s see what Mrs. Billiard would have had us watch to numb us of intelligence.
Stewie plays movie. Joe and Jane playing near pool. JOE This is fun!
Jane pushes Joe into pool. Jane laughs.
JOE I’m drowning! I’m drowning!
Movie shows Joe lying on concrete by pool. His tongue hangs out. Jane is put in jail car. Stewie turns off movie. STEWIE What kind of mind-boggling violence is this? I love it!
Stewie brings out a notepad and a pencil. Takes notes from movie. STEWIE (to self) Memo to self: Find the actress who plays Jane. I can use her… (searches for word) talents. (to class) Now, class, let us take a look at the Stewie Griffin Dictionary for All Things Imperial…
Principal enters room. PRINCIPAL Where is Mrs. … oh… Stewie. My Lord. (kneels. Stewie pats him) STEWIE Get up. Get up. PRINCIPAL You’re too kind sir. Too kind. STEWIE I know. PRINCIPAL Where is that wretched woman? STEWIE She ran out of the room, my good scholastic leader. BILLY No she didn’t. You…
Stewie shoots Billy with his laser gun, hiding it behind his back from the principal. PRINCIPAL Well, I’ll find her later. But what shall we do now? We can’t just leave all of you children here. STEWIE How about we go get a good, stiff drink at my personal bar? PRINCIPAL Why, thank you, my Lord. I would be honored. STEWIE Yes, and then we can talk about this teacher situation. I was thinking about having my own class. PRINCIPAL Good idea, Oh lord. STEWIE I know.
The Principal’s face suddenly turns into Lois’s. LOIS Stewie? Stewie? STEWIE No! She’s found me!
He shoots the principal with the ray gun, and begins running down the hall. The roof comes off the school, and Lois, a giant, grabs Stewie. She starts to walk away. STEWIE No! No! No!
In the aftermath, we see Chris standing, staring after his mother. CHRIS (nervously) Mom? INT. STEWIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Stewie sleeps in crib. Lois stands next to him, trying to grab him, but he wiggles out of her grip. LOIS Wake up, Stewie STEWIE No! No! No! (punches at air) No! (wakes, and screams at sight of mother, then sighs, hyperventilating) Mother! I just had the worst dream! Hold me! (hugs mother, then suddenly stops) Wait… what am I doing? Filthy brainwashing! (Lois leaves) I’ll get you for this mother! INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Meg comes down the stairs. Stewie, Chris, and Peter sit watching Sesame Street. PETER What is this crap? (turns channel to violence) So how’d you sleep, Meg?
MEG Alright, I guess. (speaks fast) I dreamed that everyone from school was being lowered into the pit of Hell and they were all pleading for their lives, but I wouldn’t help them…
EXT. HELL – UNKNOWN A cage is being lowered being lowered into the pit of Hell, a.k.a. a small pool of fire. Many faces peer out of it toward Meg, standing nearby, looking onward with ecstatic anticipation.
EVERYONE Help us, Meg! Please! MEG Sorry, Jessica. I don’t help freaks like you.
She sits, and watches as fire engulfs the cage. INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Same as before.
PETER Oh… OK. Well… That’s just really weird, there Meg. What about you, Stewie? STEWIE (nervously) What? Oh? Yes… I dreamed of… um… peace. Yes, peace. (laughs nervously) PETER That’s nice.
We get a close up of Stewie’s face. He slowly grins maniacally. EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY – (TAG SCENE) Meg walks onto school property, but the entire school is empty.
MEG Where is everyone?
INT. HELL – TIME IRRELEVANT Everyone from Meg’s sits in Hell. One particular person is conversing with Satan.
PERSON So? SATAN What? PERSON So? SATAN What? PERSON So? SATAN Oh, in the name of… Die!
Satan lowers his pitchfork, aiming it at the person, and shoots flames at him. The person burns. PERSON Ah!! Ah!!! Ah!! Hey, this is kinda fun! Ladida! Ladida! End |
Tonight: Post Number 4: | Canterbury | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 50 | 49 | 1 | 0 | 7 |
| Bay of Plenty | 2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 40 | 24 | 1 | 1 | 6 |
| Taranaki | 2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 52 | 37 | 1 | 1 | 6 |
| Auckland | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 36 | 14 | 1 | 0 | 5 |
| Counties Manukau | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 29 | 13 | 1 | 0 | 5 |
| Southland | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 37 | 23 | 1 | 0 | 5 |
| Wellington | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | 11 | 0 | 0 | 4 |
| Northland | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 26 | 19 | 0 | 0 | 4 |
| Waikato | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 13 | 10 | 0 | 0 | 4 |
| Manawatu | 2 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 49 | 64 | 1 | 1 | 2 |
| Hawke's Bay | 2 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 34 | 53 | 0 | 0 | 2 |
| Otago | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 13 | 29 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| North Harbour | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 14 | 36 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Tasman | 2 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 22 | 53 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| ||
| INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING RM. - AFTERNOON Peter and Meg sit watching the news. ANCHORMAN … the clown reportedly was not hurt by the blast, and he promises that no more deaths will occur at birthday parties in the future. And now back to reality… Lois enters the room, holding Stewie. STEWIE Curse you, mother! I was having a perfectly good dream about world domin… (realizes near-mistake, and looks around suspiciously, making sure no one caught it) … yams. Luckily, I’ll have a reward for you right about… (strains) … now. LOIS Oh, Stewie. Whew! You have a poopy. Time to get you changed. STEWIE Yes! Changed! Change me now, woman! Lois takes Stewie to table behind sofa, and changes him. Meg leaves the room. LOIS So what was wrong with Meg? PETER Oh, just a little misunderstanding. It’s all fixed now. LOIS Well, good. (finishes with Stewie) There you are, Stewie. Good as new. STEWIE (Walking around, testing diaper) It’s too itchy old woman! Lois walks into kitchen. STEWIE Where are you going? I demand you come back here at once and fix this! Why! … Well! … Darn. Lois returns. LOIS Just think, Stewie. One day, you’ll be able to go to school, meet new people, make friends, and learn some new things. STEWIE Friends? Why, why, friends? Who needs friends when you can have… (thinks for the right word) … minions! Yes… minions. (laughs to himself) INT. STEWIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Stewie sleeps in his crib. He sleeps restlessly, though. STEWIE (In sleep) Lois… Die… (jumps at scream, yet stays asleep) Minions! Dream Sequence begins… INT. SCHOOL – FOUR YEARS FROM PRESENT, DAY. Stewie walks into school building. Several men in black suits follow him. SECRET SERVICE # 1 Mr. Lord, thingy, sir! This area is safe for your highness. We shall assign agents to guard you. STEWIE Thank you, my good man. (man leans, and Stewie pets the man’s head) You may go on now. The men leave. Other students begin to walk up. BILLY My name’s Billy. What’s yours? STEWIE I am Stewie Griffin, emperor of all you can see… (waits for effect) and more. BILLY You mean, like, over to the swing set? STEWIE No you little… (sighs in frustration, then changes his tone to gentle) … yes, yes my good man. To the swing set, yes. BILLY Wow. MICHAEL My name’s Michael. Want to hear something fun? STEWIE Oh, yes. I do love fun. What is it? MICHAEL (singing) I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves; everybody’s nerves; everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves… STEWIE Shut up! Shut up, I say! Shut it you inconceivably redundant twerp! And what is this song of which you sing! Tell me! (he grabs Michael’s collar) A bell rings. STEWIE (letting go) What… What was that dreadful noise? BILLY That was the bell. We have to go to class now. INT. MRS. BILLIARD’S CLASSROOM – ONE MINUTE LATER Stewie sits in desk behind Billy and in front of Michael. Mrs. Billiard stands in front of the class, writing on the board. BILLY (repeating, over, and over) Oh no. Oh no. Oh no… MICHAEL (repeating, over, and over) Goody, Goody, Goody, Goody, Goody… STEWIE (to guard at door) Jordan, please get me Death. JORDAN Right. A few moments pass, and Jordan reappears. JORDAN Got him, sir. STEWIE Oh goody! (realizes mistake, blushes slightly, looks around, and changes tone) I mean, wonderful news, Jordan. (Gets up to leave) MRS. BILLIARD Now, Stewie. You can’t leave during class. Not even little emperors can skip their schooling. STEWIE Mrs. Billiard, charming old woman, may I inquire of you? MRS. BILLIARD Well, Stewie… I suppose. STEWIE Have you, or have you not, children? MRS. BILLIARD Why, yes. I do. Why do you want to know, Stewie. STEWIE Do you agree, or disagree, that you treat your children well? MRS. BILLIARD Agree. (slits eyes slightly) Why? STEWIE Very well, Mrs. Billiard. But did you, or did you not, force them to spend nine terrible, long, months in, for lack of better words, your tummy? MRS. BILLIARD Oh, why yes, Stewie. Every child goes there before entering the world. STEWIE (eyes widen) What? You mean… (disgust enters his voice) everyone actually forces children to be endlessly tortured for nine horrific months? What kind of barbaric race do we live in. (stands in awe for a moment, then realizes why he was up in the first place) Still, I must leave immediately. He exits. BILLY Wait… I was in my mommy’s tummy? |
